Frequent
Questions Index
Frequent
Questions – What Parents Usually Want to Know
Why
did he/she have to tell us?
Many
parents think that they would be happier if they didn't know.
What you must realize, however, is that if you did not know, you
would never really know your child. The fact that your son or
daughter told you is a sign of his or her love and need for your
support and understanding. After all, who should know if not you?
No other minority is asked to hide from their own parents and
family what makes them "different"!
What
did we do wrong?
Most
parents feel guilt when they first find out. Psychology and psychiatry
have told us for years that the way the child turns out is the
parent's "fault." In fact, no parent has that much power
over a child. No one knows as yet what "causes" any
kind of sexuality, but it is widely accepted today that a child's
sexual orientation is set at a very early age, if not at birth.
Will
he/she be ostracized, have trouble finding or keeping a job, or
even be physically attacked?
We
must answer: "Yes, unfortunately, these things are possible."
But we must also say that attitudes toward GLBT people have been
changing for the better and are more positive in many places.
Also, there are a growing number of groups who are working for
such a change, and who are ready to help those who have difficulties.
Check out our “resources” page.
Will
she be lonely in her old age if she does not have a family of
her own?
Maybe.
But we must remember that this is very often true of all of us.
On the plus side, many GLBT people develop long-lasting relationships.
Many GLBT people include in their concept of "family"
not only their blood relatives but their lifetime or long-term
partners, and close friends.
Should
we send our child to a psychiatrist to be cured?
In
December 1973 the American Psychiatric Association declared that
homosexuality is not a mental disorder or a disease. The American
Psychological Association has taken the official position that
it would be unethical to try to change the sexual orientation
of a homosexual.
Should
we tell the family?
Parents
who are still struggling with their own acceptance of their child's
homosexuality often worry about other people finding out. Our
advice in such situations is: first and foremost, you must not
confide in anyone unless you have your child's consent. Second,
you should not tell “the rest of the family” unless
you yourself have reached the point where you are not defensive
about it. When you are ready, you might find it easier to discuss
it with one person at a time.
What
will the neighbors say?
This
is a very real concern, especially for families who live in small
communities. When you are secure in your own feelings, and informed
about the subject, then you can talk about your child's sexual
orientation with others and help them understand that prejudice
against GLBT people is based on ignorance and fear.
We
have accepted the situation, but why must they flaunt it?
Often
even parents who have accepted their child's homosexuality still
protest at open behavior. It makes them uncomfortable and angry
to see public displays of affection between members of the same
sex. We suggest that this is a normal result of the way we have
all been brought up and what we have been taught about GLBT people.
If heterosexuals can display open affection in public, there is
no logical reason why GLBT people should not.
Is
it a Sin?
This
is one of the most difficult questions for religious people. Many
religions teach that homosexuality is condemned. But nowhere in
the Bible is there mention of those whose true nature is homosexual.
Neither the Ten Commandments nor the Gospels mention homosexuality.
Is
Homosexuality Unnatural?
Homosexuality
is not unnatural since it exists in nature. It is just as natural
for one person to be heterosexual as it is for another to be homosexual.
We don't know why people are homosexual, but we know that there
always were, are, and will be homosexuals. It is estimated that
10% of the population in the United States and throughout the
world is lesbian or gay; at least one member out of every four
families. For them, homosexuality is their true nature. To ask
them to behave otherwise would be to ask them to behave unnaturally.
Acceptance
Takes Time
Accepting
your child's homosexuality and educating yourself on the subject
takes time. Sons and daughters often expect their parents to understand
immediately, but many cannot do this. Do not be impatient with
yourself, however long it takes. If you really want to learn and
understand, you will.
Tips
for Parents
Engage.
Your gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender (GLBT) youth requires
and deserves the same level of care, respect, information, and
support as non-GLBT young people. Ask questions, listen, empathize,
share and just be there for your child.
Learn.
Get the facts about sexual orientation and gender identity.
Learn new language and the correct terminology to communicate
effectively about sexual orientation and gender identity. Challenge
yourself to learn and to go beyond stereotyped images of GLBT
people.
Here's a quick lesson on two frequently misunderstood terms:
Sexual orientation – Describes to whom a
person feels attraction: people of the opposite gender, the
same gender, or both genders.
Gender identity – A person's inner sense
of gender – male, female, some of each, neither. Transgender
people have a gender identity that is different from the gender
to which they were born or assigned at birth.
Some
people ask, "Isn't transgender just like being gay?"
No. Transgender describes a person's internal sense of gender
identity. Sexual orientation describes a person's feelings of
attraction toward other people. Transgender people have some issues
in common with gay, lesbian, and bisexual communities, but gender
identity is not the same as sexual orientation.
Resources.
What resources are available? Find out if there is a Gay/Straight
Alliance at school. Learn about Kaleidoscope Youth Center, and
visit with your child. Look for a bookstore with a selection of
books and magazines on GLBT issues. Usually Borders and Barnes
& Noble have some great options.
Join
Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG).
Many parents say that their connections with other parents of
GLBT people made a world of difference in their progress toward
understanding their children. Finding another person you can trust
to share your experience with is invaluable. Many people have
gone through similar things and their support, lessons learned,
and empathy can be very valuable.
Don't
make it ALL there is … just because your child has come
out as GLBT does not mean their whole world revolves around sexual
orientation or gender identity. It will be a big part of who your
child is, especially during the process of figuring it all out,
including what it means to be GLBT. Still, being GLBT isn't the
sum of life for your child, and it is vital to encourage your
youth in other aspects of life, such as school, sports, hobbies,
friends, and part-time jobs.
ASK
your child before you "come out" to others on
their behalf. Friends and family members might have questions
or want to know what's up; but it is most important to be respectful
of what your child wants.
Don't
betray your child’s trust!
Praise
your GLBT child for coming to you to discuss this issue. Encourage
your child to continue to keep you "in the know."
If your child turns to you to share personal information, you
must be doing something right! You are askable. You're sending
out consistent verbal and non-verbal cues that say, "Yes,
I'll listen. Please talk to me!"
Give
yourself some credit – Your GLBT teen chose to come out
to you. Congratulations!
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